Family Issues
T
he family is such an intergral part of life and the place where we learn our first lessons and how to interact with others. Shri Babaji encouraged householders to take care of their duties, to love and care for their children, and to keep up their spiritual practice. Babaji loves children and is often pictured with children in His lap. Shri Muniraji is a wonderful example of a loving family man with eight children and now many grandchildren and great grandchildren, who continually takes care of all his duties as well as his daily spiritual practices.
Life in these busy times often becomes challenging for families. We seem to be almost too busy to stop and enjoy the simple joys of living and being together as family. For this reason, we are including this section about families. The first entries are parenting questions and answers that have appeared in the local newpaper for the last year or so. We will also include other helpful ideas for families, so stay tuned.
If you have a question or a topic that you would like covered, just email us at info@Babajiashram.org.
We are here to serve. Bhole Baba Ki Jai!
Parent Talk by Ramloti - September, 2008 |
“I like your points about choices. However, sometimes I see parents ask their children to make a decision, when there really isn't a choice and then it creates conflict. As an example, a parent may say ‘let's put your coat on---ok?’ They ask ‘ok’ but, it's really cold out and they HAVE to put their coat on. Or, ‘let's put on your seat belt, ok?’ This use of the "ok" at the end of a request, or statement causes problems. Or they offer a child a choice on something when they really shouldn't. Sometimes there are choices, sometimes the parent needs to tell the child what to do. The child should have options in many things---but it is the parent that is the adult and in charge.
I feel you should never ask a child a choice question if them saying "no" is not an option.”
I feel these comments are very important to consider, particularly the one about asking okay, when it really is not okay if the child does not comply with the request. Taking that word out of your vocabulary is generally not a bad idea as it is gives mixed messages and can be very confusing to a child. As an adult, we may want to also look at why we need to tack that on to all of our requests. Is it that we are afraid we will lose our child’s love if we set and follow through on boundaries? If you are in a situation where there is truly a choice, with a child or an adult, I find the verbiage, “would you be willing to …” much more clear and effective.
As our reader said, there are issues where we as adults need to make sure the child is safe, respectful, appropriately clothed, and guided in life. These are called boundaries and generally are set around how much TV a child watches, homework, eating food we consider to be unhealthy, bedtime, appropriate clothing, hygiene, contributing to the household care, and conduct. The clearer, kinder, and firmer we are with our children at setting boundaries the more fun and freedom we can have together.
Within these boundaries, however, we can always give choices, just not the choice that allows for a no. If the first example above was worded, “do you want to put on your coat or shall I put it on you?” either choice would be fine. We can give a choice of coats, “would you like to wear the red one or the blue one?” If the child says they do not want to wear a coat, kindly and clearly say, “that is not a choice, if you do not chose one, I will chose and put it on you.” “Do you want to watch Dora and Little Einstein for your hour of TV today or would you rather watch Sesame Street? “Do you want to do your homework before snack or after snack?” “Would you like to help me fold the clothes or empty the dishwasher?” The point to choices is to let the child know he or she does have a voice and that his or her decisions have an effect and a consequence. As children get older, their choices should become more extensive looking to the eventuality that they will be moving out of the home and making all their own decisions and living with them for better or worse.
Last changed: Aug 30 2009 at 4:35 PM
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