Family Issues
T
he family is such an intergral part of life and the place where we learn our first lessons and how to interact with others. Shri Babaji encouraged householders to take care of their duties, to love and care for their children, and to keep up their spiritual practice. Babaji loves children and is often pictured with children in His lap. Shri Muniraji is a wonderful example of a loving family man with eight children and now many grandchildren and great grandchildren, who continually takes care of all his duties as well as his daily spiritual practices.
Life in these busy times often becomes challenging for families. We seem to be almost too busy to stop and enjoy the simple joys of living and being together as family. For this reason, we are including this section about families. The first entries are parenting questions and answers that have appeared in the local newpaper for the last year or so. We will also include other helpful ideas for families, so stay tuned.
If you have a question or a topic that you would like covered, just email us at info@Babajiashram.org.
We are here to serve. Bhole Baba Ki Jai!
Parent Talk by Ramloti - January , 2010 |
I recently received an article printed in the New York Times entitled "When a Parent's 'I Love You' Means 'Do as I Say' writen by Alfie Khon and published September 14, 2009. This article examines unconditional love verses conditional love and the ramifications of each. I think that each of us reading this article would attest to loving our children and many of us would not think about spanking or hitting them. But in reality, every time we withhold love when a child does not conform to our wishes and turn on the love and praise when he or she does, we are teaching the child that they are lovable only when they comply. This early childhood education in conditional loving creates teens and adults that often resent and dislike their parents. These conditionally loved individuals often act out a feeling that they have to do something to be loved rather then a real sense of choice. The fleeting happiness that they do feel after being compliant is dependent on being praised by a supervisor and often leaves a feeling of unworthiness, guilt, or shame since the individual knows inside that he or she did not act out of a pure motive.
Using love to instigate conforming behavior and withholding love to punish non-conforming behavior is a very emotionally abusive form of discipline that far too many of us experienced in our childhoods. This kind of parenting will insure that psychiatrists and psychologists have a flourishing business for decades to come and that another generation of adults has a very difficult time knowing what they truly want in their hearts.
What does this mean for parents? Spend plenty of time telling your children how much you love them just for being them. When a child is helpful, simply say thank you. When a child does not behave as you would like, in a calm and loving voice tell him that you do not like his behavior and ask what he could do differently. Empathize with an angry child saying, you must really be feeling upset right now, do you want to talk about it? Empathize with a stubborn child saying, you must really feel strong about this and appreciate his or her strength. Tell you child what you would like to see happen and ask her how you can both win. This is not about giving in to your child's every wish but being respectful, curious, loving, and understanding. Studies show that 85% of our communication is conveyed to our children through our voice tone and body language, so make sure you do not try to negotiate when you are furious. Take a few deep breaths, remember how much you love the child, and then speak. Remember, the kinder we are, the firmer we can be and the firmer we are, the kinder we can be.
I recommend you read this article. (I can email the link to you, if you wish). For more ideas on unconditionally loving parenting read Redirecting Children's Behavior by Kath Kholhs and Myths that Affect our Family Lives by Susie Walton. Both of these are available in the Maha Lakhsmi Shop.
Last changed: Feb 22 2010 at 11:20 PM
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