Family Issues

I am at my family’s house in San Diego. My son Amil and his wife Sarah have three boys ages five, two-and-a-half and nine months. This is a lot of energy and activity in a small two bedroom condo but fortunately both mom and dad have taken Redirecting Children’s Behavior and the children have always been pretty cooperative. But this time when I arrived, I was pleasantly surprised to find the boys cooperating even more and much less fighting. I think the change is that Sarah is now a teacher of Redirecting Children’s Behavior and she is really living the teachings.

We see so many families at the Ashram here and I also just returned from spending extensive time with my grandchildren and my niece’s children.  Parenting styles are diverse and all parents, I believe, are doing the best job they know how to do.  There seem to be some habitual actions and reactions, however that, cause a lot of difficulty, strife, and sadness in the family life.   

I recently received an article printed in the New York Times entitled "When a Parent's 'I Love You' Means 'Do as I Say' writen by Alfie Khon and published September 14, 2009.  This article examines unconditional love verses conditional love and the ramifications of each. 

(Thanks to Bobbi Cecio, co-founder of Village Gate Children's Academy in Encinitas, CA. for input on this article.  Bobbi can be reached at Bobbi@IndigoVillage.com)

As our children go to school, many things will come up.  There may be times when we question the way the school is handling a particular matter or when the school may be questioning our parenting at home.  This is a time to model for our children one of the most important lessons in life.  That is the idea of partnership and this is brought about by communication. 

As you may have read, I was in San Diego this last month at the birth of my third grandson.  I was there several days before the birth and my daughter-in-law, Sarah, had this question.  The older boys are Gavin, who is four-and-a-half-years-old and very smart but not an athlete-type and Benjamin, who is almost two-years-old and looks like he may grow up to be a football player.  The scenario is that Gavin is playing with his trains or cars and Benjamin comes up and takes the key ingredient, throws it across the room, and then says Ha, Ha, Ha in a very deep (almost comical) voice.  This of course is not funny to Gavin who wants the car or train back.  Sarah’s question to me and my sister (Susie Walton, Parent Educator of the Year in San Diego and author of the book How Myths Affect Our Family Life) is, “What is the best way to handle this?”

Last month I wrote about family meetings and want to suggest using this format in other situations with our children as well as in a business or organization.  I took a 40-hour training at a high-powered mediation center in Boulder after I had been teaching the parenting classes, Redirecting Children’s Behavior and Redirecting for a Cooperative Classroom for several years.  At the end of the training I stood up and said that the information was nearly the same as I had been teaching to parents.  The big difference was the terminology and the cost.  The mediation course cost me several thousand dollars

Dear Ramloti,

My seventeen-year-old son has no motivation.  I need to constantly nag him and remind him to get to bed on time, to get up on time, to eat on time, to get to school on time, to remember his lunch, his PE clothes, and his homework.  What can I do to get out of this endless circle?

Having a two-year-old can be a challenging time for parents OR it can be an incredibly wonderful time. Here are some hints.

I received this question from a grandma.  

My 2-year-old grandson is generally a delight but does like to poke and hit dogs with objects.  We tell him to be gentle, explain that he can hurt the dogs, etc., and it usually has a moderating effect.

I have been watching parents trying to set limits with their children lately.  Some have been successful and some not so.  It is such an important part of parenting that I thought to devote this Parent Talk article to it.

First of all, why should there be limits or boundaries?  Studies have shown that a child raised without boundaries often feels very insecure, uncertain of what is expected of him or her, and sometimes actually feels unloved and uncared for.  It also makes life much more fun and free when everyone is aware of the limits

I received the following comment to last month’s article about choices.
“I like your points about choices.  However, sometimes I see parents ask their children to make a decision, when there really isn't a choice and then it creates conflict.  As an example, a parent may say ‘let's put your coat on---ok?’  They ask ‘ok’ but, it's really cold out and they HAVE to put their coat on.  Or, ‘let's put on your seat belt, ok?’ This use of the "ok" at the end of a request, or statement causes problems. Or they offer a child a choice on something when they really shouldn't.  Sometimes there are choices, sometimes the parent needs to tell the child what to do.  The child should have options in many things---but it is the parent that is the adult and in charge.

My sister, Susie Walton, and I are writing a book on parenting entitled, Key to Personal Freedom, How Myths Effect our Family Lives.  Here are some excerpts from a graduate of the Redirecting Children’s Behavior class.

Myth:  Children aren’t Old Enough to Make Good Decisions.

New Idea:  Give them Choices

We often get into a pattern of yelling at our children, thinking they will respond and cooperate if we get angry and raise our voice.  I am not sure where we got this notion, this behavior does not elicit a cooperative response from me.  There are many more helpful ways to build a team spirit in the home.  Using one word in a kind and firm tone, after you have made an agreement with your child, is much more helpful.

This week’s question is about our power children; how to deal with them without getting into constant confrontations.  Children, like adults, have certain needs and when these needs are not met in their minds, they will act out to try to get them met.  These include the need to belong and the need to feel loved, powerful, and valuable and a need to experiment and explore (this is how they learn).

Is it appropriate behavior for a six-year-old daughter to sleep in bed with the parents?

Sleeping with parents at 6-years-old is neither right or wrong.  Some cultures have the family bed for years.  It is more an issue of personal choice and sleep.  If parents or child are losing sleep, it may be an issue.  When it comes time for the child to go to other friends’ homes for sleepovers she may get scared in the middle of the night if she is used to Mom and Dad's bed.

I was very fortunate raising my boys to have an excellent guide but it was rocky at first.  I was committed to never spank or yell at my children.  This went well until my first son was a year and a half.  Then he was all over our apartment with a mind of his own.  We were college students and had an old, upstairs apartment.  The first time I saw my son on the kitchen table leaning on the screen to look outside I just about flipped.  Of course, I took him down and tried to explain how dangerous it was as he could easily push through the screen and fall out the window.  Guess what?  He was up there again in a couple of minutes and after several times of this, I was beside myself. 

Let’s talk about taking too much responsibility for getting our kids out the door on time for a party or for school.  I hear so many parents yelling repeatedly (or nagging over and over again in a polite but exasperated voice).  Assuming our children want to go to the party or want to do well in school it is better to put most of the responsibility in their hands.  As young as two-years-old and clear up to when they leave for a job or college, this is a peace saver in the home.